The Fear Paradox

Don’t ask how these men came together. It’s complicated. The list reads like a joke: a psychologist, a former conman, and a Quaker gathered to talk about God. And a motley fifteen others were there too.

One thing we had in common was fear. Someone abusive had haunted our lives — violent fathers or psychotic bosses. One man bravely discussed being sexually abused. We all shared those feelings of paralysis and humiliation that abusers cultivate.

In fear, however, we also discovered a paradox. The same word can describe a feeling that is not disabling but empowering — not rooted in terror but in awe. This paradox gave us a fresh spiritual perspective.

One man described a coach whose standards were relentless and who would not accept mediocrity. “I hated him. But now I realize what he was doing. I’m capable of so much more because of him.”

Other men described bosses, school teachers, pastors, even friends who had this strange brew of uncompromising love.

Lots of people inspire healthy fear: the colleague who is so skilled and focused that she changes the tone of your meeting just by showing up, the committee member who always spots the bullet point where you’re bluffing but never exploits it, the mentor who dismisses your excuses as unworthy of comment, yet never hangs up on you.

Our response to these people is not mere respect. Politeness offers no shade in their heat. They summon a gut-level urgency to get it right, and their presence spurs us to discover hidden reserves of endurance and focus.

The paradox we found in our discussion helped us escape the paralyzing terror that views God as an abuser, and instead see God’s presence as a summons into sacred awe.

The Bible’s words sparked this discussion: “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge.”